salam n hye all....

it'd been a while since my last post...n now i'm back!!!

im on my 1 week holiday and now, just 1 day left..as usual when sunday's approaching, i started to feel like not in a good mood.i hate Sunday as i need to prepare myself for hostel life. i longed for a loong holiday....yup mmg manusia tidak bersyukur!!!

lets wrap up what i've been doing recently...on the first day of my holiday, i already accompanied my bro n future sis-in-law to go to bridal shop, preparing for their big day since im the one who's assigned to be in-charge of the hantaran for both sides.. i decided to start hunting for the accessories earlier as im afraid of distracting my final exam this upcoming November. what more, it will be my last exam before holding my first degree thus i should give my best shot. InsyaAllah...

hurm...what else?
tiba-tiba rasa jealous dengan rakan-rakan seperjuangan yang telah grad pada usia yg sama dengan aku or lebih muda dari ku....lagi jeles bila ada dalam kalangan mereka yang telah berjaya mendapat first class and terus dapat further phd...how lucky they are!!!..tapi perasaan jeles aku bukan bermaksud dengki dengan kejayaan orang but more on being amazed by their success....

i managed to grab the chance to attend his convo and the only thing i could see was the happy feeling across the graduates' faces as well as his. it's like a victory for them. i know i'll be experiencing the same thing next year insyaAllah.
his convo was on 27 Oct. but i already in shah alam  a day before as i didnt want him to rush to fetch me up in the morning on his convo day...i'd been staying at his frens' rented house for 3 days and 2 nights.within those days, i learnt a lot of new things in life.  i learnt how to be independent, how to treat people well, how to be tolerant, how to be a good listener, how to struggle in achieving good things in life and learnt that not all strangers are bad people...what more, having a discussion and conversation about our respective experiences in life taught me on how to be grateful of what i have today. i learnt that there are people out there specifically some of his frens longed for being a teacher as well as becoming a Teslian. a few dislike science subject but they were forced me to take degree in science which differs from me who has great interest  in science and maths but was forced to study language. like what he'd constantly reminded me that we need to be grateful and redha with things that Allah has granted us. DIA yg menentukan segala-galanya dan DIA yang beri rezeki kpd hamba-hambaNYA. dan ingatlah tidak semua yang kita suka adalah baik untuk kita dan tidak semua yang kita tak suka adalah xbaik untuk kita. HE is all-knowing.

so...be grateful, be grateful, be grateful, ida!!!

....last week was the fifth....i went for different docs all the while but none satisfied me. i wish i were a doc so that i could diagnose my own disease....

for the past two weeks, i acted normally in front of others. i smiled when people greeted me with a smile, i responded when people asked me bout the workloads. a few who were very concerned asking bout my current condition. at times, i didnt know how to answer them. i just responded that "i'm okay" simultaneously, i was actually telling lies.

plus, i realized that i wasn't in the good mood most of the times. sometimes, i isolated myself from others as i was afraid of showing my real condition to them, and worried of not being able to pretend that im okay for any longer. i needed space for myself and let me bear it alone. i'd been scolded by few people whom i knew cared about me.

dear families and friends, sory for everything. when i was physically sick, my mind as well as my emotion was not in a healthy state. thats why sometimes, i threw a massive tantrum to some of you, responded harshly and so forth. please bear in mind that i ddnt mean to do so thus dont put any grudge on me.

i could still remember, i rushed to the clinic as it hit me again and again. i asked for lecturer's permission to escape class and go back early.
i could still remember, i tried my very best to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks as i couldnt stand  it anymore.
i could still remember, i stopped reading my favourite series novel when it hit me again.
i could still remember, i couldnt focus in class even though my eyes were wide opened.

dear families and friends,
                                     sorry for the fake smiles, 
                                     sorry for the fake laughs,
                                     sorry for keeping up the pretence
                                     all the while.....