....last week was the fifth....i went for different docs all the while but none satisfied me. i wish i were a doc so that i could diagnose my own disease....

for the past two weeks, i acted normally in front of others. i smiled when people greeted me with a smile, i responded when people asked me bout the workloads. a few who were very concerned asking bout my current condition. at times, i didnt know how to answer them. i just responded that "i'm okay" simultaneously, i was actually telling lies.

plus, i realized that i wasn't in the good mood most of the times. sometimes, i isolated myself from others as i was afraid of showing my real condition to them, and worried of not being able to pretend that im okay for any longer. i needed space for myself and let me bear it alone. i'd been scolded by few people whom i knew cared about me.

dear families and friends, sory for everything. when i was physically sick, my mind as well as my emotion was not in a healthy state. thats why sometimes, i threw a massive tantrum to some of you, responded harshly and so forth. please bear in mind that i ddnt mean to do so thus dont put any grudge on me.

i could still remember, i rushed to the clinic as it hit me again and again. i asked for lecturer's permission to escape class and go back early.
i could still remember, i tried my very best to stop the tears from streaming down my cheeks as i couldnt stand  it anymore.
i could still remember, i stopped reading my favourite series novel when it hit me again.
i could still remember, i couldnt focus in class even though my eyes were wide opened.

dear families and friends,
                                     sorry for the fake smiles, 
                                     sorry for the fake laughs,
                                     sorry for keeping up the pretence
                                     all the while.....